update on my Mom's double lung transplant - 7 months later...

January 27, 2012 was just over 7 months ago.

it was a Friday afternoon i won't forget for a long time. i had done a presentation that morning in a graduate class and then skipped out of school early because i was feeling sick.

after i had been home a couple hours i got a phone call from my Mom who had been in Durham for several months waiting on a double lung transplant.

this was the call we had been waiting on for a long time. my Mom called to tell me she had a pair of lungs on the way to Duke Hospital for her!

it was a pretty chill phone call though. we didn't get our hopes up too much. we had already been through this once and it was a "false alarm" because the lungs were no good once they made it to Duke.

but this turned out to be the real thing. my Mom got her new lungs!
after years and years of praying that God would heal my Mom... she just got replacement lungs! crazy. miracle.

but the next days and weeks were scary. we weren't sure if the lungs were going to work or if my Mom was going to make it. those days were the worst. she was in ICU for a really long time.

but then she just kept getting better and better.

and a few weeks ago she got to come home from Durham back to Charlotte!

That is big news and we're so happy to celebrate it. the lungs are working great. she still has more health recovery to go, but she's getting there.

so after a whole year away, she's HOME.

well... sort of home...

she's back in Charlotte, but while she was at Duke for a year, my parents' house flooded. the whole 1st floor got cleared out, but now mold has also been found throughout so my Mom can't move back in until it is all gone.


my Dad has been working like crazy to get all the mold torn out and then to rebuild their home.

thankfully, a great friend of ours lent my parents their RV for a little while. so my Mom would have a place to stay.
& then another great friend has been lending my parents an empty house nearby for them to stay in!

wow. talk about crazy blessings.
now we're just trying to get my parents house ready for my Mom to move back in as fast as possible!

7 months ago these "problems" would have seemed very small. we just wanted my Mom to get a new chance at life. and she has that :)
hopefully her home will be finished soon and be even better than before.

for now, i thought all of you would be happy to know that my Mom is looking good and even playing with her granddaughter Keira! (Who was born just before the lung transplant)

and i literally just talked to my Mom right before i published this! She gave me an update after her latest day of tests and procedures at Duke this past Monday. For the 1st time since the transplant there is NO SIGN OF REJECTION which is GREAT news! hopefully the good reports like that will continue.

*i wanted to say Thank You so much to those of you who have donated, prayed for my Mom, have helped tangibly, or even showed your support via text or Facebook comment. thank you. Thanks to those of you who helped to raise money for her medical expenses and who helped with your time and effort on her home! thank you!

if any of you would like to donate to my Mom's Double Lung Transplant Fund you can click HERE to donate through the National Foundation for Transplants to help with my Mom's ever growing medical expenses. if you would like to donate or help in any way with rebuilding their home please contact me or leave a comment on this post with your info.

it has been a long year. but in the past year my Mom has gained a granddaughter

surely it's better than nothing?

many times i get caught in a tension.

i have an idea for something good. something to make the world better. something that will add value.

the idea has an "ultimate" or "ideal" goal. that's what i get passionate to create.

but the further i go, the more it looks like that "ideal" may not be possible... at least not any time soon. or it may take a really long time.

so, i get caught in a tension of taking the time to perfect or just launching & going for it although it won't be as great as i want it to be.

i often get paralyzed on the "perfecting" side of the tension, but i REALLY want to shift my life to the other side. just going for it. just putting it out there & maybe perfect it (or make it better) along the way. because then... at least it's "out there."

but then the voices come. the critics. "what are you doing?" "That's not good enough to launch/throw out there/ etc..."
this voice of the critic is so powerful to me because i know they are right. i KNOW that it's not as good as i want it to be. their critique is resonating with my own.

but maybe... maybe instead of letting that critique paralyze me further i should simply ask...

"what are YOU doing?"

something needs to be done. someone needs to do something about this & i'm going to try with this. "remind me, what are you doing, again?"

or what am I even doing if i don't do this? isn't this better than the NOTHING we've both been doing about it?

surely.

"wouldn't it be better to just do SOMETHING. even if it's not as good as you think you could do it. but you're not actually doing anything. so, surely my something is better than your nothing."

so, the voices we hear are mainly from the critics who are also doing nothing. nothing to solve the problem or create something that's needed.

that's why i was encouraged by this awesome post from Seth Godin below. (you can also read it here.)
[i finally updated my Pulse app on my iPhone and saw that this was a read that MOVED me back in September 2011... almost a year ago... so i saved it to circle back around. i needed this reminder from Seth today as much as 1 year ago!]
[also thankful that Pulse has synced with my Read it Later (now called Pocket) app to form my combined favorite App in the world!!!]

here are Seth's wise (as usual) words...

“What would you have me do instead?”  [seriously, just give a better suggestion. i'm all ears.]

To the critic who decries a project as a worthless folly, something that didn’t work out, something that challenged the status quo and failed, the artist might ask,

“Is it better to do nothing?”

To the critic who hasn’t shipped, who hasn’t created his art, anything less than better-than-what-I -have-now appears to be a waste. To this critic, progress should only occur in leaps, in which a fully functioning, perfected new device/book/project/process/system appears and instantly and perfectly replaces the current model.
We don’t need your sharp wit or enmity, please. Our culture needs your support instead.

Each step by any (and every) one who ships moves us. It might show us what won’t work, it might advance the state of the art or it might merely encourage others to give it a try as well.

To those who feel that they have no choice but to create, thank you.


& might i add... please continue.

my morning with Shake & Eric

i've had a good morning so far.

i hopped out of bed at 6:07 like usual and went to play soccer with some guys over near Queens University. (not exercising for 2 months REALLY gets you out of shape.)

on the way home i stopped at the gas station by my house to fill up. 2 homeless guys were chillin under the shade tree near my pump and asked if i had any change.

i said "no... (then with a moment of hesitation that seemed like an eternity in my head as i pondered my giant TO-DO list for today and how much behind it would put me if i followed through with what my heart was leading me to do...)

but can i buy you some breakfast?"

"SURE!" they said.

i wanted a shower after soccer + wanted to at least see Crystal and Keira before they took off for the day, so i told them to meet me back at the Hardee's next door in 45 minutes.

we introduced ourselves and i officially met Shake & Eric. i was like "Shake?" and he said, "Yeah, you know, like shake" as he physically started shaking to make sure i got his name.

when i came back they were waiting for me. we hung out and talked at Hardee's for a while.

Shake didn't want any coffee because he had his own drink in a silver container he kept sipping. i couldn't help but think that 9 in the morning had to be too early for that.
Eric looked really really rough. even for a homeless guy. looked like he had a lot of hard life stories behind all the dirt and nappy hair.

Eric looked at me at one point and said "can you do me a favor?"
"sure"

"these are my only pair of pants and i crapped them yesterday. do you have any shorts or pants i could have?"

this guy had literally crapped his only pair of pants.

i asked them to give me 15 minutes and i would be right back.
i ran home and brought back 2 bags full of clothes. 1 for each of them. thankfully they were both about my size. i made sure to have plenty of pairs of pants for Eric.

when they opened the bags and looked at all the clothes their eyeballs got so big with this look of astonishment. 

then they both teared up and choked up.

they gave me the warmest handshakes + the most heart felt "thank you" maybe ever.

they told me lots of stories as we sat and talked. they told me about the 10 or so homeless guys who all stick together nearby - just off 77.

they also gave me lots of advice as we sat and talked. like don't drink too much because it will mess up my liver.
they were also very keen to give me what they promised was good sex advice. not sure if i'll be trying any of it.

when i took off i had made 2 new friends. i told them maybe we would bump into each other & hang out again some time and they said the same.
i'll have to keep an eye out for Eric and Shake now. should be easy if i recognize any of my former clothes :)

that was my morning & now i'm back to the office. it's hard to know when to interrupt the TO-DO list for something like that.

i haven't accomplished very much this morning, but i think i did the right thing.
i haven't gotten very much done... or did i?

i hope i never get so busy that i feel i have to ignore my heart.

having a little girl 1st

i thought i wanted a boy.

Crystal and i both did.

we wanted a boy 1st & then a girl. no doubt about it. no questions asked.

i can't understand what i was thinking? this is the only way to roll. i can't imagine not having Keira 1st. she's the most amazing 1st child ever.

we're loving every second of this vaca with her & just today Crystal and i were talking about how we didn't even know what we were thinking wanting a boy 1st. girls are the best :)
(still want a boy 1 day though, of course.)

i seriously cannot even count how many of my close friends also had a girl 1st around the same time as we had Keira.
SO... when i read this, i figured i would post it here. good advice for me and all my new dad friends who had little girls 1st.

(from Carlos Whittaker's blog... i only left out #3 to make it shorter...)
"I know lots of guy friends want that little boy first and may be a little let down when they don’t see that little pecker on the ultrasound image.
I just want to say, all will not only be fine, but you will soon be over your “I wanna play catch in the front yard” phase because…
Girls can actually throw and catch a ball as well…
Go figure.
1. The Diaper Changing Phase.
Using the 3 finger and wipe tactic, you can literally clean the nastiest poop in one swoop.
No lifting poop ridden appendages. No fear that a little pecker will spray urine in your mouth.
Just 3 cracks and 3 fingers and one wipe.
Done.
2. The Princess Phase.
This will come on as quickly as it will leave.
There is nothing quite like having tea with a princess with your best British accent and knowing that she quite literally thinks you are the King of the castle.
And the look that lands on her face when she meets Cinderella for the first time at Disneyland is a look you wont soon forget.
That is unless Cinderella just got back from a smoke break and she looks at you and says…”Daddy. Why does Cinderella smell like Grandma?”

4. The Mommy Doesn’t Do It Like That Phase.
Although this may seem like a phase you will want to skip, trust me it isn’t.
Once one of your daughters decides that she wants to be exactly like her mother you are in luck.
At this point you can devote some of the brain power you had to parenting back to sports radio or something better.
The reason is because they will know everything you don’t.
Like where the vanilla extract is.
Where mom keeps the ziplock bags.
How many vegtables and fruits must accompany the pizza slice you give them when mommy is out at her Book Club (Wine Night).
They will let you know what time to pick up the kid at preschool.
They will own you.
And although this phase comes with it’s negatives like self doubt and proof of your spouses DNA being stronger than yours…
The benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.
5. The How Do I Raise A Girl? Phase
This phase never leaves.
But it also places you on your A game.
One bad move and she could end up working at The Cheetah instead of a better animal like Buffalos Wild Wings or DogHouse Grill.
Listen.
We are dudes. We have penises and are self centered and play Xbox in our 30′s.
We know exactly what kind of man we want our daughters to end up with.
So if you are smart, you will quickly become that man.
And when you are not that man, let your little girl know so that they know we are human and are trying.
Tell them that they are beautiful on a daily basis.
Tell them in different ways not just with your words.
Paint them a picture.
Write them a love letter.
And never stop holding them.
Even when they get boobs and stuff.
They will always see themselves as your little girls and you will always be the King of the Castle.
Even when that 15 year old guy is staring at their 14 year old body.
There will always be room for you as long as you keep the pursuit of their heart above the pursuit of your heart.
So guys.
Don’t fret at the thought of panties and pretty.
They wrestle just as hard as the boys do.
And their kick to the face as you are suplexing them on the bed hurts just as good.
And the main reason why is… boys are just easier and we are already lazy enough.
It’s better that way.
Los"

blogging break - am i back?

i've been on a blogging break lately. AND IT'S KILLING ME!

i'm dying to write again.

it's just been one of those seasons where i simply haven't had time to write.

so, i've known i was on a blogging break. i just haven't had time to tell you all.

i still have TONS to write about & i love writing. i just haven't been able to.

now i'm on a glorious vacation. doing absolutely nothing but REST on a beautiful island with my beautiful family.

writing/blogging is a hobby. something i love to do for fun. so i have a feeling after a few days of resting on the beach i may be itching to write so bad that i pump out a ton of blogs these next 2 weeks.

that's "the dream", right? to have a house on the beach you go away to so you can write all your books while overlooking the ocean. :)

we'll see.
but if i don't feel like writing i won't. if i do feel like writing, i will.
simple as that. it's my theology of sabbath & vacation.

after not writing significantly for 2 months... i have a feeling i won't be able to hold it inside. hopefully some good stuff coming back to renown soon.

for now, i'ma see if i can't read all of the NT in this new translation called The Voice.

3 kinds of influence

yesterday i was thinking driving in the car. (about the only chance i ever have to think anymore.)

i was thinking about leadership and influence. more specifically i was thinking about WHY people get stuff done/do stuff for other people. like at a job... WHY does an employee do something for their boss. OR even another peer leader within the organization.

or really why does anyone do anything for anyone else.

influence.

we influence other peeps to do stuff for us.

but there seems to be to be 3 different kinds of influence. (i bet there are more than 3. this is just as far as my thought got as long as my drive was to the next place.)

influence #1 - FEAR. fear of something negative happening if you don't do whatever the boss or whoever wants you to do. Fear that you will lose your job if you don't do it. or fear that the other person will be mad. fear that if you don't do what they want you to do then they will nag you to death until you do it. fear that if you don't do what they need/want then they can make life miserable for you.

yeah, i guess this is a kind of influence right? you do something for someone because you are worried about the outcome if you don't.

influence #2 - LIKE. i do stuff for people because i just straight up like them. i believe in them or what they're doing or i'm just bought in to who they are. could still be a boss or peer or just someone you know. if you like them they have won influence with you. so when they ask you to do something you do it because you like who they are. they have won you over so you are in.

influence #3 - NONE. it feels like a lot of leaders get stuck here. they want #2 but they don't quite make it. they reject #1 because they feel like those peeps are jerks and they want #2 but they get lost and flounder somewhere in the middle.
these are the leaders and bosses who try to be nice, so they don't influence peeps to do stuff just out of fear... but they don't quite win anyone over either.
no one fears them and everyone likes them well enough... just OK. but not enough to bend over backwards for them and do what they ask.

#1 influencers get people to do stuff because they wear people down or scare them into doing it.
#2 influencers get people to do stuff because people love them.

but the #3 people... don't really get anyone to ever do anything for them. these kind of leaders can't get anything done in the organization. it almost seems like they would be better off to go ahead and be jerks and lead with fear than to flounder in the middle.

of course nobody wants to stay around those people for very long.

obviously #2 is where it's at. win people over to who you are. be someone they can believe in. be someone they want to "do stuff for".

seems like that's the only real kind of influence.

happy anniversary (7 years)

happy anniversary to the most amazing woman.

the last 7 years have been the greatest years of my life.

you are the only woman who could ever be captivating enough to slow me down long enough so that i could fall in love.

& i should be mad at you.
i should be mad that you cause me to daydream about you all the time so that i can't focus.
i should be mad that i just sit around and think about how perfect you are and how absolutely beautiful you are.
i should be mad at you that you still cause me to get that feeling inside that kind of incapacitates you from normal brain function.

but i'm not mad.

i'm too busy being in love with you.

happy anniversary, Babygirl.

it shouldn't be this way either

a few days ago i wrote a post called "it shouldn't be this way." you can read it HERE.
then i came across this graph that i think goes along with that post.

this is part of the problem. it shouldn't be this way.

a way of traveling

“wisdom is more a way of traveling than a particular journey or destination.”

- John F. Kilner

& that's something i've always wanted. Kilner just gave a beautiful way of thinking about this way of life we need so desperately called wisdom.

i know that we should do whatever it takes to live life with wisdom.

Jesus' brother actually had a little something to say about wisdom too:
"If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all..."

(James 1:5)

not a bad something to ask for. because it's a pretty big deal.

"Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
    love her, and she will watch over you.
The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom.
    Though it cost all you have, get understanding."

(Proverbs 4:6-7)

but it's not the destination or even a particular journey.

it's a way of traveling through life.  

is this still necessary?

(i originally wrote and posted this to renown on July 15, 2010.)

really? these still exist in America? are these really necessary?

i think we would all agree phone booths are a thing of a past. they were for another generation, another time, another culture, another context. And ones like this were created to serve a culture that no longer exists!

i'm not against phone booths. they're just irrelevant pieces of history and changing rooms for Superman.

How many other things can you think of that we're keeping around that were relevant for a past generation and context that no longer exist?

doesn't the fact that i want to please you... please you?

i read this prayer yesterday - from a dead guy.

i dig it so i thought i would post it.

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. 

I do not see the road ahead of me. 
I cannot know for certain where it will end. 
Nor do I really know myself, 
and the fact that I think I am following your will 
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that my desire to please you does in fact please you. 

And I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. 
And I know that if I do this, 
you will lead me by the right road 
though I may know nothing about it. 

Therefore will I trust you always, 
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. 
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, 
and you will never leave me to face my struggles alone.”

- Thomas Merton (1915-1968)

yeah... i think our desire to please Him does please Him. of course we can try in some pretty messed up ways -- think up our own things that might please Him -- like the Crusades, etc... & no, He doesn't dig that.

but the genuine desire in us does please Him, i think.

Thomas thought so too.

what a stay-at-home Mom is worth

1st of all, a stay-at-home Mom is really priceless. My wife is an AMAZING MOM! wow. she blows me away!
we chose this stay-at-home Mom thing before Keira was born because we valued it. but we had NO IDEA how much we would actually value this.

of course, the stay-at-home Mom thing is not for everybody. some may not want to or simply can't.
but it definitely IS for us. and we're so thankful to be so blessed to make this work!

it has been absolutely amazing. i've heard my wife say on several occasions - "There is no amount of money anyone could pay me not to do this." [to stay home with Keira]
right on. i feel the same way.
and i've heard her say things like "I would rather sell our house and other stuff/downsize before I gave up staying home with her."

so yeah, we're pretty committed to this. i don't think this is something we'll ever regret either.

but just for fun, some people posed the question "what is a stay-at-home mom's WORK worth?"
of course all the intangibles are priceless, but what is the market value of the actual tangible work a stay-at-home mom does?

below is a fun little breakdown of that :)
i apologize i had to shrink it so small to fit on my screen, but if you click it you should be able to zoom and make it as big as you want - full screen even - to read all of it.

basically the average stay-at-home Mom works over 96 hours a week. Then taking into account all the different jobs they perform at home and the overtime they work, etc... their salary should be about $115K!

Feel free to high five a stay-at-home Mom today!

it shouldn't be this way

(i originally wrote & posted this to renown on July 12, 2010.)

Dan Kimball wrote a great book a while back called They Like Jesus But Not the Church. he probably could have written another one called "They Like Jesus But Not Christians". because that's true of A LOT of people.

here are just a few:
“I’m a big fan of Jesus. I’m not a big fan of those who work for Him.” – Bill Maher (the guy from Politically Incorrect)

“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in His name, He wouldn’t be able to stop throwing up.” – Woody Allen, movie director

“Christians are hard to tolerate; I don’t know how Jesus does it.” – Bono  

“I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” – Mahatma Ghandi

i have no idea what's in someone's heart, but i'll go ahead and say that probably 1 out of 4 of those guys are/were believers in Jesus. but they all like Jesus! Christians are turning away thousands (maybe millions) of people from Jesus who actually like Jesus to begin with.

it shouldn't be this way. and that bad part is that i tend to agree with these 4 guys.

but what can we do? recognize it 1st of all then...

be more like Jesus. act more like Jesus. live more like Jesus.

that's a pretty good start.

how i want to live after i make a mistake

(i originally wrote and posted this to renown July 7, 2010.)

i make a lot of mistakes. i screw up pretty much all the time. i'll be the 1st to admit that. most of the time i make small mistakes with fairly small consequences that don't really affect many other people.

Sometimes i make bigger mistakes that affect others more visibly.

i won't stop making mistakes. i'm trying... but i'm pretty sure i'll always make mistakes.

i saw a great quote recently from one of the greatest coaches ever - Dean Smith. i stopped and wrote it down because i thought it was so wise!

"What to do with a mistake - recognize it, admit it, learn from it, forget it."

i feel like God may have put that quote in front of me. i think God spoke to me through this quote. God helping me, this is how i want to live after every mistake i make for the rest of my life!

honestly i think i usually do pretty good with the 1st 2. my mistake is obvious most of the time so i see it & i usually have no problem admitting it. probably like an A- with those 2. i do OK learning from my mistakes sometimes... maybe a B- there. i'd like to do a lot better.

but many times i suck at forgetting it and moving on. i want to live by this better for the rest of my life.

no doubt i'll make a lot of mistakes. if i can learn from them and move on i think my life can be so much more effective.

you can do this

you can do this!

don't let them tell you you can't.

stop telling yourself you can't.

because you CAN do this.

it doesn't matter that you don't know how right now...

or that you've never done it before...

or maybe that NO ONE has ever done this before...

you can still do this.

if it was birthed in your soul then it is there for a reason.

you can do this.

it won't be quick or easy or maybe not even glamorous.

yes, it would be easier to just forget about it.

it is going to be very difficult and take a lot of hard work, blood, sweat, and tears.

but you can do this.

don't ever let anybody tell you different.

now GO. get after it. get started. take it 1 step at a time, but GO!
you can do this.


(no idea who that was for today. maybe no one but me.)

the most humble man on the face of the earth (part 2)

"(Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth.)" - Numbers 12:3

that's a pretty hard core statement for a random parenthetical phrase in the middle of the book of Numbers. (you can read "part 1" from yesterday HERE.)
it seems God was just going along telling a story & then BOOM! He sneaks this in there... "oh, btw, this guy Moses is more humble than anybody else. period."

so, i went back and read and studied this passage for a few weeks. why does God put that phrase in there? He obviously wanted us to know this about Moses. i had a few thoughts as i wrote in my journal. (and many of the thoughts were convicting.)

1st of all, if anybody didn't need to be humble it was Moses. This joker made the Red Sea part like a Lawyer's hair by raising a stick. he was the leader of God's chosen people. He flipping talked to God up on a mountain, saw his glory which turned him white like the sun so the other peeps couldn't even look at him! oh yeah, and he brought down a few commandments from the mountain. God went on to say in Numbers 12 that He talked to other peeps in dreams and visions, but He talked to Moses "face to face!"
this guy was a larger than life leader and usually those kind of guys aren't that humble. but not only is Moses humble, he's MORE humble than anyone else on the face of the earth!

(you can read the whole passage here in Numbers 12.) his brother and sister were disrespecting him as the leader. that's not cool. Moses, as the leader probably needs to hop up and defend himself and put these guys in their place.

but it seems like Moses is not going to defend himself, so God has to. 

and from my study, i think this is one of the main points of the passage!
there is an instinct in me to defend myself when i am misunderstood. Moses was big time misunderstood and disrespected by his own brother and sister, but it seems like he was so humble God had to come down and stick up for Him! Wow!
(btw, Numbers 11 also shows Moses' humility - he didn't want to be the only one getting attention.)

*There seems to be a direct link between Moses' humility and the fact that he didn't stick up for himself!

i have so much to learn in this department. i can't stand it when people think something about me that is so untrue. i hate it when they misjudge me and it damages my reputation... my name. i just want to set the record straight!

but i'm learning more and more that this is just pride.

i think this random phrase might be in this story to say that Moses was humble because his critics didn't bother him. he was so humble that he wasn't concerned about his name. he didn't need to stand up for himself.

So, i am begging God to help me be humble. i want to be humble like Moses. i know humility is a dangerous thing to pray for, but i know the more humble i am the more God's name can be lifted up. the more i worry about my name the more it can squelch His fame. i so bad want to just let it go when i'm misrepresented or disrespected. i just wanna be humble and not stick up for myself like Moses did. and if God wants to stick up for me then that's cool too.

a couple other random thoughts i jotted down from this passage:
we need to honor our leaders and pastors! especially the humble ones. how ridiculous that Miriam and Aaron tried to read Moses' motives. they saw the most humble man on the earth as arrogant! wow. how bout a little respect for the leader?
God didn't like it very much either because He gave Miriam leprosy.

*So, Moses further shows his humility by begging God to heal her. Wow. i've got a lot to learn about humility. good thing Jesus was a pretty good example of that for me.

what are YOUR thoughts on humility and this whole passage?

"... than anyone else on the face of the earth."

(i originally posted this on July 5, 2010.)

i've written a few times about the Bible Experience that i like to listen to in the shower. i'm trying to "read" through through the whole Bible in 2010 while in the shower via the Bible Experience. (You can read some thoughts about that HERE.)

i really love it because the Bible was meant to be read out loud. i wonder if it all hits you better hearing it rather than reading it? That's the way it was read for THOUSANDS of years. it's just a recent phenomenon to read the Bible to yourself. i'm thinking it was maybe written in such a way to hit people more powerfully when it is read out loud?

that's what happened to me. I was "reading"/listening through Numbers and it was just in the middle of the story and then there is this crazy RANDOM phrase and it came out of nowhere and hit me like a lightning bolt:

"(Now Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth.)"

Wow. i want to be like this guy.

this phrase is so random it's even in parentheses! anyway, why don't you just think on that for a day like i did. let it hit you like it hit me.
i'll come back and write some thoughts tomorrow and i'd love to hear yours. you can read it for yourself in Numbers 12.

any thoughts yet?

"But I was afraid to be Roger's friend..."

it's research paper time.

what that essentially means is that i've been extremely busy. but i have a research paper due tomorrow that i haven't done much with yet, other than grab about 25 books from the library on the topic.
i for real started on it this weekend. so i've been reading and researching and writing about 1 topic all weekend = homosexuality.

it's been a good study and frankly i'm thankful for having to write a paper on this. i don't fully have it all worked out where i'm going with the paper just yet, but i am confident of one thing. Christians and churches must focus more on loving individuals. period. we've messed up bad.

of all the tons of reading i've done about science and orientation and hermeneutics of New Testament passages, etc... there's one story that sticks out most to me. 1 story still sticks in my mind beyond all the other stuff. and it's a REAL story from Tony Campolo's life. it's a story he tells from when he was in high school. below are Tony's words...

"Roger was gay, we all knew it, and we all made his life miserable. When we passed him in the hall we called out his name effeminately, we made the crude gestures, we made him the brunt of cheap jokes. He never took showers in P.E. because he knew we'd whip him with our wet towels.


I wasn't there, though, the day they dragged Roger into the shower room, and shoved him into the corner. Curled up there, he cried and begged for mercy as five guys urinaed on him.


The reports said that Roger went to bed that night as usual, and that sometime around two in the morning he got up, went down to the basement of his house, and hanged himself.


On that day I realized that I wasn't a Christian. I was a theologically sound evangelical, believed all points of the Apostles' Creed, declared Jesus to be my Savior. But if the Holy Spirit had actually been in me, I would have stood up for Roger. When the guys came to make fun of him, I would have put one arm around Roger's shoulders, waved the guys off with the other and told them to leave him alone, to not mess with him, because he was my friend.


But I was afraid to be Roger's friend. I knew that if you stood up for a homosexual, people said cruel things about you, too. So I kept my distance. If I hadn't, who knows if Roger might be alive today."

just love Roger. that's all we need to do first and foremost.

teams that work (repost)

(This was originally written and posted to renown on May 12, 2010.)

the 1st breakout i went to was "Developing Teams that Work". it was probably the best breakout session ever. (And i've been to hundreds!) the content was masterful!
it was with Clay Scroggins (aka - the "Scrog Dog") who's in the student ministry, but i think he said this was developed by Reggie Joiner & Kendra Fleming at North Point. And i'm almost positive i've read it before from one of them...

The subtitle explains it better. These are "5 Critical Responsibilities EVERY Ministry Team Must Monitor to Stay on Track"
(So, we've got 7 Core Values + 7 Practices we live by... but these are 5 things that MUST BE PRESENT on our team! i am working this out currently in my head. trying to figure out how our teams can improve...)

These 5 responsibilities are simply necessary in order to accomplish our mission. they are probably directly related to the success of our mission. When stuff goes wrong or when we want to improve it will usually come back to 1 of these 5 areas.
I am now convinced that every team needs to have an expert in each of these 5 areas! here they are...

1  Refine the Environment - we've got to have an environment person. Somebody who can practice "Vuja De" = always see the environment with fresh eyes. (It's a George Carlan joke... the opposite of "Deja Vu" where you've never been to an environment but feel like you have. "Vuja De" is a unique ability to have been in an environment hundreds of times, but still be able to see it for the 1st time.) We all know that the environment is HUGE! We must have peeps from the outside speaking into our processes and environments! ("Listen to Outsiders.")
If we don't continually do this 1st one with expertise then ultimately a generation will be lost! it's a pretty big deal.

2  Nurture the Leader - we need an expert leader of leaders. "Coached leaders go further faster." - Andy. we just need an expert leader coaching the top leaders... and then everyone leads a few... all the way down. this expert has gotta be a people person.
I'm thankful that if we're a part of any culture in this North Point system, we're a part of a leadership culture!
Speed of the leader = speed of the team. Our quality and growth will be determined by the quality of our leader!

3  Value the Team - We need a relational guru who can motivate with vision and appreciate the heck out of the individuals on the team! (I feel like #s 2 & 3 might have a little overlap.) ***Everybody needs to value everybody else's role! Connect every single person's role to the big vision! (remember we're a body like Paul said in 1 Corinthians...)

4  Inform the Crowd - We need a marketing genius like Seth Godin on our team! (i wonder if he's looking for a job at a small church plant in NC? seems like that'd be right up his alley...) somebody who can communicate & market to the masses.. how else are they gonna know?
i can't tell you how many times i've thought (and i'm not the only one) - "i just wish more people would have experienced that!" (it's the marketing experts job to make sure they do! or at least know about it.)

5  Perfect the System - Oh yeah, we need a systems nerd. An orgizational guru! someone who says "How are all these disorganized people [like me] even Christians??? Disorganization is so ungodly!" i want that person on my team!! Because they are the opposite of me.
if we don't perfect the system we "waste critical resources ($) and time."


I think we need somebody who MAJORS in each of these 5 areas on our teams!
*When these 5 are working it simply removes most of the barriers so that the Holy Spirit can work.

***I have not stopped thinking about this for over a week now. i can't get it out of my mind. i know we've got to step it up in some of these areas because the mission is that important!

*some other great leadership stuff during this breakout:
-  "The longer something is neglected, the greater the damage and the harder it is to fix." [man we need to keep that in mind!]
-  our job in every environment is to "Build a bridge and turn on a light." - Reggie Joiner
-  "Teams need a rallying cry." - Patrick Lencioni

what do you think of these 5 responsibilities for teams that work?

agree/disagree? anything left out? 

what i learn from reading (almost) all the way to the bottom of a facebook feed

i guess most people do this but i never really have.

i see a lot of people just scroll down their Facebook home page/ status feed screen or whatever you call it. i see people read all the way down to the bottom of it to see what EVERYONE is up to.

i guess i've just never taken the time to do that. i may notice the 1st 1 or 2 in my feed but not usually beyond that. maybe i'm just too ADD to make it beyond that.

just now i randomly decided to scroll all the way through my feed. it's pretty fascinating.
i saw...

-  lots of funny stuff of course

-  someone posted their 1st ultrasound of their teeny tiny baby in the womb!

-  someone else is 20 weeks pregnant with a belly pic... halfway there

-  and another person posted a pic of their beautiful newborn

-  someone is enjoying snuggling with a brand new adopted baby after a long journey to have/adopt a child

-  someone else is just beginning that long journey of the adoption process

-  someone is mourning the loss of a husband after 13 weeks without him and without a father for her children

-  while someone else is celebrating a wedding anniversary today with her husband

-  someone training for a marathon

-  somebody talking about Anderson Cooper being gay

-  someone celebrating 4.5 years of the "hardest" but "best" decision of their life = to quit smoking

-  somebody losing weight

and a whole lot of other stuff.

and no, i actually never made it to the bottom of the feed. that's just way too long. sorry.


but it was a crazy experience to read as far as i did. just look at those few things going on in peoples' lives.

i couldn't help but think that these Facebook status feeds are basically a microcosm of what's going on all around the world right now.

pain. relief.
joy. sorrow.
funny. sad.
random.
life ending. life beginning.
random.
and everything in between.

i'm sure there are some deeper thoughts not quite falling out of my brain just yet.

for now, i'm fascinated by a Facebook status feed being a sampling or microcosm of the emotions and experiences of almost 7 billion peeps on the planet...

never thought of it this way before.
but i might just start.

a friend of a friend

Have you ever thought about all the stories you hear that start with "a friend of a friend" or "my friend's friend"?
(i'm not just talking about the fact that the stories that follow are probably urban legends either...)

**But seriously, have you ever noticed that our friends' friends have way more crazy, fun, and interesting lives than our friends themselves? and certainly much more interesting lives than we do.

maybe the further we move out in the 6 degrees of separation the more crazy these people get?!  So, if we ever hear stories about "a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend" - then that is going to be one freaking crazy story!

you know what i'm sayin'?

(This was originally posted to renown in June, 2010.)

it just enables

"Money enables what's in a person's heart."

- Matt Krol

i heard this quote 4 or 5 years ago and have always found that it is TRUE.

a lot of people say stuff like "when i have more money, then i'll _______ "

fill in the blank with whatever you want.

basically they're saying they will live differently when they have money. things will be different then and money will be the game changer.

but i say that your heart is the indicator. money is just the enabler.

so if people say - "when i have money, then i'll be generous." they only need to ask 1 question = am i generous now?

because money will simply enable what's already in your heart.

if you live for yourself now... if you're greedy... spend all your money on yourself now... 

then, when you have more money you will just do more of the same.

if you are generous now... giving your money away... blessing others... not spending it all on yourself...

then, when you have more money you will just do more of the same.

if you spend your money on YOU now, but you say you will be generous when you have more money...

no you won't.

because having more money won't make you generous.

money just enables what's already in your heart.

how well can you do this?

“Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to agree to disagree and yet continue to love one another and to cherish one another and seek the greater good of the other.”

- Desmond Tutu 

 

boom.

 

Bishop Tutu always has a way of helping us get back to reality. back to the place we need to be.

 

so, how well do you do this?

 

how well can you continue to LOVE and cherish & seek good for the person who you drastically disagree with?

 

because what i see most is people not being able to handle it when other people disagree with them. if someone has a different ideology or different belief about something peeps get all bent out of shape. they can't continue to love that person and want good for them.

 

what i see is that people are judged by how much they can agree with the one doing the judging.

 

what i see is people's value being based on how little they disagree with your viewpoint.

 

it's crazy to me that so many people can seem to hate people because of their disagreements.

 

i think the Bishop is right. our maturity is judged by this. and i don't think most of us are scoring too high on the maturity ranking.  

only 49% save for retirement

there's a new survey out saying that only 49% of Americans are saving anything for retirement.

wow.

so what are the rest of you doing? the other 51%?
what could you possibly be doing with that money?

and a better question - what are you going to do when you get old?
what are you going to do when you retire?

ooooooohh... you're NOT gonna retire. i gotcha.
you're just gonna keep working.

well that's cool. because i don't really believe in retirement either. i plan to keep working my whole live long life too. so, i'll be right there with you.

but 1 more question - wouldn't it be nice to not HAVE to work for money when you're old. like, wouldn't it be nice to just work for FUN for FREE - whatever you wanna do.
but not have to work a crappy job just to buy food and live indoors?

i'm all for not retiring - yeah, let's use years 65 til whenever to do something that matters instead of move to the beach and collect seashells and play golf or tennis or bingo...

but it would be cool to not need a paycheck at that age just to put gas in your car.

ooooooohh... you're gonna have rich successful kids & they're gonna take care of you when you're old.

i hate to break it to you & i'm def not trying to be mean... but if you're one of the 51% not saving for retirement...
your kids probably won't either. & it's probably good chances they won't be rich & successful and be able to be your retirement when you're old.

just sayin.

so, to the 51%... just take 15% of your next paycheck and put it into a Roth IRA or something like that. and when the next paycheck comes... do that again. and do the same thing the next time.
you won't even notice the 15% is missing. just do it.

and when you're 65 you can have fun giving away millions of dollars + have tons more money to live on and do whatever you love.

just sayin.

leave the 51% and join the 49%.

my 1st blog from 30,000 feet

i've never thought to write a blog on a plane.
actually, i don't really know how long they've even made WiFi available on airplanes.

but here's my 1st one.
(& i would guess the 1st of many.)

Crystal & i are flying to New York WITH Keira. She's done awesome so far (knock on wood).

speaking of writing in the air... i remember writing for a long time in my journal in the airport on my 1st trip to Africa.

i was about 19 and had been in London for a few days hanging out with a friend. he had just dropped me at the HUGE London airport and i was flying to Jo-burg, South Africa where a guy i had met once was going to pick me up and take me to Botswana where i would spend the next few months.

i can remember sitting in that huge airport in London waiting to go to Africa "all by myself" for a really long time.

i can remember sitting there and watching all the people go by & not knowing anyone.

i remember sitting there thinking about going to spend the the next few months of my life really far away from home with no one that i knew.

airports can be lonely places.

that moment for me seemed like it would be a lonely moment.

but i didn't feel lonely. i didn't feel alone.

i wasn't alone.

there was a Presence with me.
real and almost tangible.

i can still remember it. i wrote to God in my journal for hours sitting there in London waiting for my flight.

i can still remember the song playing on my "discman" (remember those?) - Shane & Shane's Be Near.

i remember thinking that if i didn't feel alone in a moment like that... in fact, since i felt the opposite of alone (completely KNOWN and in the presence of Someone who knew me well)... then i probably shouldn't need to feel alone anywhere ever.

i need to go back and find that particular journal in my stack of journals. i need to find that entry. maybe i'll post some of it.

anyway, ever since that day, airports have been kind of like a spiritual place for me.
in the middle of all the hustle & bustle... the rushing, stressed out people... all the frustrated people...
it's still a peaceful place for me.

for some reason (because of that day in the London airport) i have a heightened sense of the Presence of God in airports. & it causes me to slow down and be aware of it.

it's almost like an airport is a thin place for me.

anyway, just a thought for my 1st blog post from 30,000 feet.

brave

brave heart trans(plant (plant)ers wart hog tied stick ball & chain saw IV all american made service plan(ters wart remover (ver)ve pipe cleaner (nir)vana smells like teen spirit guide post hole digg(ers (irs)kine California girls they're undenia(ble (bull) fighter pilot light ning show boat shoes off the bed bugs bite sleep tight jea(ns) (ns ns ns ns) "what is love?", court(ney (knee) jerk reac(tion (shun)ned from home of the brave


can you dig it?

my wife is the awesomest!

no, it's not really that kind of post.

i mean, i've known for a long time that my wife is the awesomest. she is amazing!

but this week she has pulled out all the stops.

she has outdone herself.

just when i thought she couldn't amaze me anymore...
she went and did it again.

all week long we've been at Big Stuf in Daytona Beach. it's been awesome. there are 30 of us from Student Impact at Ridge Church. crazy fun all week long + God is doing some really awesome stuff.

but my wife has been the CHEF. she has prepared 3 meals a day for 30 people! most of whom are teenagers who LIKE to eat. and it has been amazing. seriously, REALLY good food. so much so that other churches are complaining about the meal plan they paid for. (would have cost our kids an extra $200 per person.)


oh, and did i mention my wife has done ALL this cooking/prepping meals IN A TINY LITTLE HOTEL ROOM.

and that tiny little hotel room also served as the buffet line.


oh... and if that wasn't enough - all of this WITH AN 8 MONTH OLD BABY IN HER ARMS!

& pretty much no help.


WOW.
i mean, i knew my wife was awesome. but this proves once again that she's the awesomest.

i guess there's some other peeps who think so too... (just a BIG card all the students made & signed)


somehow, it's stuff like this that make her look even more beautiful to me.
because she's helping these students have an awesome experience this week. and hopefully a week that changes their lives forever.

thanks, Crystal.
"you da you da best..."

thirsty? (repost)

(i originally wrote and posted this to renown on June 30, 2010.)

These 2 people live in Bulgeta, Ethiopia. i don't know their names. They are getting water to drink. Every single person in the town drinks the water from this pond.

I showed this picture to my wife and she had no idea it was even water. She said she thought the people were playing in a sand box. that made me want to cry.

NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO DRINK THIS WATER!

There is no reason anyone in our world should still be dying from unclean water... but several died from unclean water since you've been reading this. that's messed up.

Thankfully some other people thought it was messed up too. They gave to Charity:Water (an awesome org. that i love) and they built a clean water well in Bulgeta! These 2 people never have to visit this pond again. People from this town won't die from unclean water anymore.
*Because some people were generous. They thought the future for this town should be different so they did something about it.

you can read more about this town and water project HERE and there are even links that will take you to the google earth coordinates to see these villages who have been helped in Ethiopia!

Would you be willing to be generous so that an entire town would have clean water instead of drinking from that "sand box"?

my favorite thoughts about RENOWN

recently i posted my 1,000th article on this blog.
it got me thinking about my favorite things i've written ABOUT the idea/essence of the word "renown" itself.

below are 5 of my favs that i landed on in a quick search:

summing up renown HERE

"so that" (stuck on it) [Psalm 67] HERE   

renown the 100th HERE  


unending fame [Psalm 135:13] HERE

1st ever renown blog HERE


i love hearing what people think about this stuff, so

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

this is my 1,000th blog post

that's a pretty creative & original title for this post, don't you think?

it's crazy, but 1,000 times i have written some thoughts from my brain and posted them here on renown.

i started thinking about that and realized that there aren't all that many things that we discipline ourselves to do 1,000 times. (i can remember shooting 1,000 free throws in a day in middle school & high school... but it didn't happen all that often.)
so, in part, i'm celebrating today. celebrating the 1,000th post to this site i call renown.

i've learned i'm not all that great at celebrating personal stuff. i don't like to waste time thinking about something i've already done. i want to get on with it... do the next thing.
so, my 1st thought today is just to get on with it. tomorrow will be post # 1,001 and so on...
BUT
i decided to pause for just a moment today and celebrate these 1,000 articles i've written. it is a milestone. i do feel a little sense of accomplishment.

so, HAPPY 1,000 to me! to renown.

there. i did it. can we move on now? :)

many parts of the last 4 & a half years of my life are recorded on this site. i go back and look through it somewhat often. it's an easy way to remember certain times. to see what i was doing or thinking about back then. to see how much i've changed.
because i've written about all kinds of things - life, passions, what i'm learning, who i want to become, theology, philosophy, ideas, etc... etc...

it's easy to look back and see where i've been, how i've changed, etc...
i read some of my old articles and think "what was i thinking when i wrote that? that is so bad."
and others i read and think "man, that was really really good. did i really write that?"

i'm most happy that all this writing has given me an avenue to really "work stuff out". writing forces me to flesh my thoughts out... or else i might just let stuff stay in my head forever and never be forced to land on what i really think about some important stuff.

i started this blog for 1 main reason. the same 1 main reason i live my life.
RENOWN.

hence, the name of the blog.

everybody pretty much lives their life for renown, whether they know it or not. they live their life for the FAME, honor, glory, and renown of SOMEBODY or SOMETHING.

i intentionally choose which renown to live my life for. the only one that matters because it's the only one that is TRULY renown.
because renown is ultimate and unending fame. there is only 1 fame that is ultimate and unending.

and i just said that i wanted this blog to simply be a reflection & an outlet for a life attempting to live for God's renown.

but there has been a really cool "by-product." i take joy in the fact that some of these 1,000 posts have along the way AFFECTED people. i don't want to be so bold as to say it has "changed" people, but no doubt these 1,000 writings have AFFECTED people... MOVED them maybe?
and these are their words not mine. these are things tons of people have told me. i would like to think it has also affected tons more who have not told me.

i'll stop for a moment today and celebrate that too.
but now i'll move on and keep writing with the secondary hope that the next thousand posts can affect even more people and move them even more deeply.
move them in a direction that i hope this blog is also moving me = to live our lives for the only renown that matters.

i wrote and published these 1st thousand articles in just under 4 & a half years.
there's 1,000 more in the bag (my head and halfway on paper) and coming quickly. hopefully it will only take about 3 years for the next thousand to land on renown.

maybe then we'll have a "happy 2,000" party?

what is love?

unfortunately i can't ask that question -- "What is love?" -- without dropping an 80s club beat box & singing that really annoying Haddaway song from back in the day... "What is love? baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more." (& then i think about Will Ferrell & that SNL skit they always did with this song...)
hopefully that won't be stuck in your head the rest of the day like it will be mine.

anyway...
1st John is a pretty sweet book that actually answers the question. it was the first book i ever translated from Greek to English in my first Greek exegesis class in college. it was a beast of a project, but really rewarding because 1st John is so rich and amazing.

Recently i was reading 1 John 3 (in English of course... i can't remember very much Greek these days) and i remembered how many STRONG and BOLD statements John makes.

try this one on for size:

"If any one of you has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in you?"

- 1 John 3:17

wow. that's pretty intense.

how can the love of God possibly be in you if you don't LIVE your love out for others?
literally - if you see a fellow human in NEED and that doesn't MOVE you to do something about it... how can you possibly say the love of God is in you?

it's a rhetorical Q with the obvious answer being "the love of God is NOT in you." 

we probably better check ourselves.

and we can assume pity doesn't just mean "feel sorry for them in your heart."

if you look at John's rhetorical Q in the whole context it's obvious. Check it:

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for one another. If any one of you has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in you? Dear children, let us NOT love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

  - 1 John 3:16-18

YES! don't "love" with your cheap words... because that's not love! LOVE WITH YOUR ACTIONS! which is the only true way to love.

this is a way of life, not just something we talk about or mentally assent to.

and it seems to me like John is laying the foundation by saying = "HERE is our example of love --> JESUS died for us. so, if we really love people we will give up our lives for them!" 
maybe not literally, but in every way. we will put their lives ahead of our own.
THAT is what love is.

that doesn't sound too familiar to me. i don't see many Christians doing this.

but i do see a lot of people "loving" with their words.

i say, save your breath. because you're just wasting it.


and i think John is saying the same.

"you taught me..."

years ago i met this really awesome guy. our 1st real conversation was over a fairly large disagreement.

he was old enough to be my dad and i worked at the church he attended. we were talking about something and i saw his eyes got really big and it quickly became obvious that he needed to convince me that my way of thinking was wrong and his was right.

it was funny because he wasn't getting anywhere in the "argument" because i didn't need to be convinced one way or the other. to me they were just 2 different preferences... we had 2 different ways of doing and thinking about the same thing.

but he was very convinced. i think he was intrigued with me even way back then because i didn't line up in all the right categories for him.
so just a couple months later (after we had just met) he actually flew me across the country and paid for me to go to a certain conference. i think his "secret" hope... or maybe not so secret - he may have straight up told me (can't remember?)... was to sway me to his way of thinking basically on how church was supposed to be, etc...

he even asked me if i would be willing to go. "SURE," i said. i knew the conference. i knew the speakers. they were all pretty famous. i liked a lot of what they said. i'm never afraid to be convinced of something different than what i currently think. go ahead and convince me. :)

but i wasn't convinced. i did like the conference & like all those guys & really did learn a lot and it was really good for me. but my friend and i still differed over these overarching styles.

*but something interesting happened as we hung out together for an entire week.  

we became good friends.

all week long we just talked. and not just about the stuff we differed on (i didn't really care about that anyway)... but we just talked about our lives, our interests, what we loved, & we talked about God, etc...

i really, genuinely LIKED this guy + he really, genuinely liked me. we started talking a lot and really hit it off.

the funny part is that we could not be more opposite.

other people even laughed about it and wondered why we got along so well?

opposite generations, opposite in all of our styles - dress, talk, interests, etc..., opposite in most of our theology and certainly our philosophy of how to do church, etc...

but here we were - getting along great. 

i really think that he was perplexed by me. here's a kid who seems to love Jesus, but he's "way out there." and i think he must have figured that if i really loved Jesus then i would come around to his side eventually (to his "style" & preferences. You know, the "correct" way).

years later, after we went our separate ways and were a part of different churches, etc... i was getting ordained at Ridge and i invited this guy to come. he had definitely been an awesome encouragement and influence to me through those early years of me being in "ministry" and i wanted him to be there. 

he came and it was an awesome night. a really powerful and meaningful night for me. i wrote about that HERE.

but at the end, before he left, he pulled me aside. pulled me aside like... no, we're not going to talk here in the middle of everyone... we're going to have a private conversation because i have something important to say. that kind of pulled me aside.

he physically put both his hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eyeballs to make sure he had my full attention. then with full on sincerity he said...

"you taught me to look past the piercings, past the long hair, past the clothes," etc...

and then he said

"WE BOTH LOVE THE SAME JESUS AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS."

i immediately started joking around with him like "man, OF COURSE we both love the same Jesus! and you should get something pierced too..." or something like that. that's just what i do - probably joke around too much.

but then i realized what a serious moment this was.
this is a guy who probably never dreamed he would be taught by a guy like me.

and i wasn't ever trying to teach him anything.
i almost wanted to say to him - "i don't remember teaching you that. i don't remember us ever having a conversation about this."

i just lived my life.

hey renown reader, just live YOURS.

people will learn.